Fish in a Tree

I am saddened at how long since I tried to write, but accept that the chaos of life too often deters us from the path we thought we wanted.

Losing the comfort, the embrace, the vibrancy of my soul-mate was devastating; knowing that he did not suffer, did not linger in pain and frustration eases that - I cannot wish for more than what we shared for ten years. His last acts were brave and caring, as he was.

The last year has been discovering how to breathe without him here to add laughter to my world, how to be brave when alone, how to keep tears for those times when no one is looking; that journey has opened my heart wider than I knew I was willing to risk.

I have found that though I still hold myself apart, I love the world more than I knew. I believe more fiercely in the potential of humanity than I would have believed possible.

There is a sign in a window on the campus I work at that simply says "Scatter Joy." Every time I pass it I smile. 

I may not believe a fish can climb a tree, I may not trust or embrace anyone as I did him again, but free flowing water takes skill to navigate while avoiding hooks and nets just as the soul in me is still living even if it is on a different path. 

I am still the woman he loved and the best gift I can give in his memory is to share the strength and joy he brought to my life with those I contact in this journey.

There were times that I felt we were so different that he was an Eagle and I a Guppy, yet we found a way to make it work; he never asked me to climb a tree without holding his hand out to help me, and I took joy in the adventure.

My choice for the year to come is to leave the safety of the pond more, scatter more joy in the forest around me, and embrace that though he may not be in my arms he is still in my heart.